Tell us about you- what was your adult life like prior to having a baby?
Like Kristina I always knew I wanted to get married and have children. Pre baby I was extremely confident, I was really proud of what I had achieved with my life, and generally pretty happy chilled person. I met the man of my dreams and we married a few years after that, we had travelled a lot and both bought investment properties and very happy together. We decided after we got married that we would move to Australia, both worked really hard and saved some money etc etc…. and 2 weeks before we were due to leave I found out I was pregnant. We still moved, as I was confident that I could manage, so off we went. So technically the pregnancy wasnt planned but we were really happy about the news and both really looking forward to becoming parents.
Tell us about your pregnancy… Was it eventful or pretty standard?
My pregnancy was fairly straight forward till the end, I had one scare when I went into early labour at 32 weeks, but that didnt eventuate into anything. Looking back I wasnt that phased by that, I just remember being a bit upset when work told me to stay home and look after myself and not come in. I was having a big baby and had put on quite a bit of weight, but also it didnt seem to bother me. When I was a few days overdue I went for a check up with my GP and she recorded a BP reading of 250/170 and completely freaked out, at which I got really upset. I was sent straight to hospital for observation, where everything was normal except that I should consider a C-section as the hospital thought I was in for an 11lb baby. We went ahead with the C-section, which I was fine with, we had a great team and it didnt give me any issues as all.
My issues started with breastfeeding, my son wasn’t latching on properly leaving me bleeding and in agony. I was determined to breastfeed and my husband would not entertain the idea of formula, so the presssue was immense. Along with the sleep deprivation, and the agony, the hormones etc things were getting harder and harder until I felt like I was going to have a breakdown. While in hospital for the birth a lady in the room beside us fell asleep after feeding her baby in the night and ended up smothering her baby and it died. This shocked me when I learned this and it always stayed in the back of my mind. When my son was 2 weeks old he dropped a huge amount of weight, the early childhood nurse was really worried about this and told me if I didnt top my son up with formula he would die over the weekend!!! Needless to say that really upset me, I knew babies died it had happened in the hospital, and I knew how hubby felt about formula….. I cried for days! I fed my little baby every 2 hrs, even though I was in such agony – I felt like I had no other choice. I cried every time I breastfed, and wanted to throw him across the room with the pain. I went to breastfeeding clinics to try help my situation but never got much constructive help, and in hindsight I think things were beyond help. After 3 months of complete agony things came right, I was starting to enjoy my baby and establish a bond. Although through the 3 months of agony my husband and I had argued and I really hated him for his lack of support through this time of pain.
You’ve dealt with postpartum depression. When did you first feel that something was not “right” with you?
What symptoms did you experience and how did you deal with them?
What symptoms did you experience and how did you deal with them?
When bubs was 6 months we went to the Doctor, I felt that the way I was feeling wasn’t normal and that I should have been over the baby blues by now!! My husband and I were fighting all the time and our marriage was really unstable. I always thought that things would be much better for my son and husband if I wasn’t around, although I would never leave my son, and that was my saving grace. My GP thought I might have a very mild case of PND and just in case she also checked whether I had an over-active thyroid….. and that was that!! No over-active thyroid, but feeling like I was going insane. Over the next six months I cried more than not, and right from birth I was obsessed with SIDS, always checking to see if my son was still breathing while he was sleeping, day or night. I really struggled with having a baby reliant on me 24/7, the responsibility was suffocating, and I resented myself for feeling like this. I hated myself for what I was feeling and the crazy rampages I would go on usually directed at my husband.
My marriage continued down the rocky path, I was so angry at my husband and continued to hate and resent him for everything that had happened. Just before bubs turned 1, and I had lost count how many times I had told hubby I was leaving, I told him I was going back to NZ and he was welcome to come with us. He came, amazingly, and was happy to return home. So we were going back home as a family. Just the thought of going home and being around family and friends made me feel better. When we got back I picked up a part time job straight away and started working 3 days a week, this made me feel better again. Although I was still having crazy moments and my marriage was in tatters, there were small amounts of time where I felt normal. But still not as good as I wanted…. I loved my son but I wanted my marriage back, I wanted to love my husband again. So after a HUGE argument where my husband left (but had to return a few minutes later because he had forgotten his garage door remote) when he came back I talked him into staying and promised I would get help. So I did…. my son is nearly 2 and I have been getting help for a couple of months now. My therapist told me she suspects I had PND really bad and should have been medicated to try smooth some of the craziness. She has been amazing, I am improving so much every time I see her and am committed to getting things sorted for good! It is expensive but I wanted someone very good, and really money cannot buy happiness, an amazing marrige or the best son in the world.
What would you have liked to have had?
I believe every journey in motherhood and/or PND is unique, but given everything I have learnt and been through my advice would be to get help as early as you can. My therapist said ‘PND chews marriages up and spits them out’, as it did for mine. I dont know how but my husband and I are still together and amazingly happy, we are planning baby #2 and I have an amazing bond with my son. I have learnt the signs and should the next baby provide as many challenges I will be calling in all the help I can get, lactation consultants, therapists, you name it. I will not let my marriage go through that again, and I will not let myself go through that again!
Thanks for letting me share my story, every little step likes this helps’
Lots of love and hugs to all the amazing mothers who are struggling through this stage in your life, you can recover, hang in there! xx
